Highlights first synced by [[readwise]] [[September 2nd, 2020]]

• many put up with abuse because they fear their partners will leave them and they will be alone if they stand up to them. Fear of being alone keeps many in hurtful patterns for years. (Location 391)
• We may be moved with compassion to give to someone in need, but then this person manipulates us into giving more than we want to give. We end up resentful and angry, having missed something we needed in our own life. Or, we may want more from someone else, and we pressure them until they give in. They give not out of their heart and free will, but out of compliance, and they resent us for what they give. Neither one of us comes out ahead. (Location 428)
• Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge. (Location 436)
• But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to. (Location 441)
• Often we do not see an attitude, or belief, as the source of discomfort in our life. We blame other people as did our first parents, Adam and Eve. We need to own our attitudes and convictions because they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only ones who can change them. (Location 444)
• People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean. (Location 448)
• The problem comes when someone interrupts the law of sowing and reaping in another’s life. (Location 455)
• To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless. (Location 456)
• This happens a lot with parents and children. Parents often yell and nag, instead of allowing their children to reap the natural consequences of their behavior. (Location 457)
• A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else. (Location 460)
• These phrases betray our basic illusion that we are not active agents in many of our dealings. We think someone else is in control, thus relieving us of our basic responsibility. (Location 462)
• In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can’t do that. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right. (Location 484)
• The other aspect of limits that is helpful when talking about boundaries is setting our own internal limits. We need to have spaces inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire, without acting it out. We need self-control without repression. (Location 491)
• 1. We must own our own thoughts. Many people have not taken ownership of their own thinking processes. They are mechanically thinking the thoughts of others without ever examining them. They swallow others’ opinions and reasonings, never questioning and “thinking about their thinking.” Certainly we should listen to the thoughts of others and weigh them; but we should never “give our minds” over to anyone. We are to weigh things for ourselves in the context of relationship, “sharpening” each other as iron, but remaining separate thinkers. (Location 510)
• 3. We must clarify distorted thinking. (Location 519)
• Taking ownership of our thinking in relationships requires being active in checking out where we may be wrong. As we assimilate new information, our thinking adapts and grows closer to reality. (Location 522)
• Also we need to make sure that we are communicating our thoughts to others. Many people think that others should be able to read their minds and know what they want. This leads to frustration. (Location 524)
• Compliants: Saying “Yes” to the Bad (Location 568)
• “No.” “I disagree.” “I will not.” “I choose not to.” “Stop that.” “It hurts.” “It’s wrong.” “That’s bad.” “I don’t like it when you touch me there. (Location 579)
• compliance. (Location 583)
• Compliants are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment. (Location 586)
• Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings Fear of abandonment and separateness A wish to be totally dependent on another Fear of someone else’s anger Fear of punishment Fear of being shamed Fear of being seen as bad or selfish Fear of being unspiritual Fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience (Location 591)
• This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. (Location 593)
• Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid. (Location 600)
• Avoidants: Saying “No” to the Good (Location 601)
• Compliant avoidants suffer from what is called “reversed boundaries.” They have no boundaries where they need them, and they have boundaries where they shouldn’t have them. (Location 627)
• Controllers: Not Respecting Others’ Boundaries (Location 628)
• Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others. (Location 637)
• they tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others. (Location 640)
• Aggressive controllers. (Location 645)
• But most of the time they simply aren’t aware that others even have boundaries. (Location 647)
• Manipulative controllers. (Location 652)
• They use guilt messages. (Location 654)
• Believe it or not, compliants and avoidants can also be controllers. They tend, however, to be more manipulative than aggressive. (Location 664)
• When compliant avoidants need emotional support, for example, they may do a favor for a friend. (Location 665)
• Especially if they performed the favor for someone who can’t read minds. (Location 666)
• One minute you’ve taken the compliment, or favor—the next minute you’ve hurt someone’s feelings by not figuring out the price tag attached. (Location 670)
• Controllers are undisciplined people. They have little ability to curb their impulses or desires. (Location 674)
• If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they would be abandoned. (Location 680)
• Nonresponsives: Not Hearing the Needs of Others (Location 683)
• “If you don’t like the way you feel, change your feelings. Life’s tough. So just … just handle it, Brenda. (Location 689)
• He isn’t responsible for her emotional well-being. But he is responsible to her. (Location 696)
• CAN’T SAY CAN’T HEAR NO The Compliant The Controller Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can’t set boundaries Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others YES The Nonresponsive The Avoidant Sets boundaries against responsibility to love Sets boundaries against receiving care of others (Location 719)
• her polite put-downs, and her inflexibility. (Location 780)
• 1:25). Our real concern with others should not be “Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?” but “Are they really making a free choice?” When we accept others’ freedom, we don’t get angry, feel guilty, or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others’ freedom, we feel better about our own. (Location 1186)
• I was counseling a couple who were having marital problems because of the husband’s drinking. I asked the wife to tell her husband how she felt when he drank. “I feel like he doesn’t think about what he’s doing. I feel like he …” “No, you are evaluating his drinking. How do you feel about it?” “I feel like he doesn’t care… .” “No,” I said, “That is what you think about him. How do you feel when he drinks?” She started to cry. “I feel very alone and afraid.” She had finally said what she felt. (Location 2056)
• We do not communicate our feelings by saying, “I feel that you …” We communicate our feelings by saying, “I feel sad, or hurt, or lonely, or scared, or …” Such vulnerability is the beginning of intimacy and caring. Feelings are also a warning signal telling us that we need to do something. For example, if you are angry at someone for something she did, it is your responsibility to go to her and tell her you are angry and why. If you think that your anger is her problem and that she needs to fix it, you may wait years. And your anger may turn to bitterness. If you are angry, even if someone else has sinned against you, it is your responsibility to do something about it. (Location 2065)
• Instead of confronting her husband, she would become very quiet for the rest of the evening. Jim became annoyed with having to pull out of her what was wrong. Eventually, hating her pouting, he left her alone. (Location 2070)
• “Susan, tell me why you get angry at Jim,” I said. “Because he’s late,” she replied. “That can’t be the reason,” I said. “People don’t make other people angry. Your anger has to come from something inside of you.” “What do you mean? He’s the one who comes home late.” “Well, what if you had plans to go out with your friends that night? Would you still be angry at him for being late?” “Well, no. That’s different.” “What’s different? You said you were angry because he was late, and he would still be late, yet you wouldn’t be angry.” “Well, in that situation, he wouldn’t be doing anything to hurt me.” “Not exactly,” I pointed out. “The difference is that you wouldn’t be wanting something that he didn’t want to give. Your disappointed desire is what hurts you, not his being late. The problem lies in who is responsible for the want. It is your want, not his. You are responsible for getting it fulfilled. That is a rule of life. We do not get everything we want, and we all must grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them.” “What about common respect? Staying at the office is selfish,” she said. “Well, he wants to work some nights, and you want him home. Both of you want something for yourselves. We could say that you are as selfish as he is. The truth is that neither one of you is selfish. You just have conflicting wants. This is what marriage is about—getting conflicting wants worked out. (Location 2077)
• When he came to see me, I asked him why he was angry. “Well, because she wants so much. I can’t find any time for myself,” he said. “What do you mean ‘can’t’? Don’t you mean ‘won’t’?” “No, I can’t. She would be angry if I didn’t do the work.” “Well, that’s her problem; it’s her anger.” “Yes, but I have to listen to it.” “No, you don’t,” I said. “You are choosing to do all of these things for her, and you are choosing to take the tongue lashings that happen if you don’t. Any time you spend doing things for her is a gift from you; if you do not want to give it, you don’t have to. Stop blaming her for all of this. (Location 2095)
• Bob didn’t like that. He wanted her to stop wanting instead of his learning to say no. (Location 2101)
• These moves are not manipulative, as the other spouse will accuse. They are examples of someone limiting how they will allow themselves to be treated and exhibiting self-control. The natural consequences are falling on the shoulders of the responsible party. (Location 2131)
• BEFORE BOUNDARIES AFTER BOUNDARIES 1. “Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.” 1. “You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.” 2. “You’ve got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wrecking our lives.” 2. “You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is your choice. What I will put up with is mine. (Location 2143)
• Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship. Passive ways of showing people that they do not have control over you never lead to intimacy. They never educate the other on who you really are; they only estrange. (Location 2165)
• skin, words, truth, physical space, time, emotional distance, other people, consequences. (Location 2168)