📓 notes/pages/relationships.md by @forshaper ☆

-Recap and reflect on when negative [[affect]] [[loops]] occur -Celebrate positive affect moments, no matter how small -[[Map]] out when [[love]] intensified. -[[Rituals]] around [[union]] and [[separation]] to recognize [[bond]], [[support]], and responsiveness -Help each other identify the [[attachment]] pains in recurring conversations, with the goal reestablishing safety and [[trust]] -tell a story about how you have both built and are continuing to build a loving [[bond]] —how do you get stuck in [[conflict]]? How do you repair? —a story about falling in [[love]] again and again -tell a future love story, a future vision, and collaborate on how to make it so
[[Love]] is a continuous process of seeking and losing [[emotional]] [[connection]], and reaching out to find it again.
Show and tell your lover the impact they have from every little gesture. Tell them how they make you feel at home.
Develop proof of [[mental]] real estate. Show daily.
[[Validate]] daily struggles.
Publicly recognize your partner and your relationship.
-perhaps a daily audio message TAP’d on social media/porn impulses
1. Address attachment needs and fears.
2. Define practical problem.
"Are there any emerging danger points in your relationship right now, echoes of raw spots or anxieties that are just starting up? Can you pinpoint the last time you were aware of this? Your body will give you the message “Now, that doesn’t feel good,” and you will get a sudden flood of emotion. Can you name the emotion? How can your lover help you with that? What would calm and reassure you and halt a developing negative [[cycle]]? Can you share this with your lover?"
Identify tiny [[positive]] moments and let your lover know how they impacted you.
Identity moments in which a cascading shift appeared. When new heights of [[vulnerability]] and opening led to a more expansive relationship. How did this happen? What precipitated it?
Create new daily bonding [[rituals]]
Consider a type of conversation that usually ends in [[frustration]] for you and your lover. [[Label]] possible [[attachment]] fears and needs lurking under these. How could you inform your lover of these? What could they do to help you with them?
Craft a narrative of how you identify and exited a deathly [[loop]] and renewed your connection. What did you both learn?
Craft a [[future]] love [[story]], a [[narrative]] of where you’d both like to be in ten years. Figure out one thing each of you can do to make this true.
What tiny thing can you do everyday to show your lover that you want to be there for them?
The only way for your loved ones to see your [[pain]] is to also see your inner [[monster]].
You may fear that giving presence will create dependence, but presence freely given will calm your lover.
For recovering from a painful situation in which we were helpless, how we [[react]] to it is far more important than the severity of the situation. [[Connection]], or whether we can go to others for help.
We need our partners to be our fortresses, yet we need them to stand by as close witnesses to our pain.
With [[love]], [[pain]] is a source of [[strength]] and [[expansion]].
Relationships are not [[linear]], they are [[cyclic]]. Holding on to them [[hard]]ens them, making them [[rigid]] and ready to [[break]]. [[Accept]]ing the [[change]] within them and working on them together lets us grow, transforming both parties.
Grieving the end of a [[cycle]] together strengthens commitment. [[grief]]
A [[mature]] [[love]] fuels [[purpose]], an [[adolescent]] love can cloud purpose.
When we use [[love]] to seek out our lost childhood [[need]]s, we tend to [[fixate]] on one aspect of love instead of a holistic [[bond]]. If it turns into an [[addiction]], it follows a pattern of [[seduction]] and [[withdrawal]], often taking turns.
If [[fear]] and [[desire]] are present in equal measure, the relationship is an [[addiction]].
Are we in [[love]] with our shared [[projection]]s?
The other party in an addictive relationship enables the relationship to feel a sense of [[control]] as well as [[proof]] of being loved, even if their [[attraction]] is not as strong.
Turning your [[will]] over to a loved one is stifling to [[life]].
We only [[possess]] what does not possess us.
By [[attaching]] to an object of a [[love]]d one, we lose the human behind the [[object]]. The more we [[depend]] on another for [[stability]], the less [[stable]] we are.
Can your loving stand on its own, without an [[object]]?
Are you using an [[object]] to fill the [[space]] between you and yourself?
The horrible [[Void]] is none other than vast [[Space]], the lack hides magnificent [[abundance]].
With [[fixation]], we find where our hurts are. With fixation, we know our [[determination]]. This teaches [[humility]], since it is proof that we have no [[control]] over our [[emotions]], [[wants]], and [[needs]].
We look for what we can not get from [[people]] who can not give it. We [[hold]] on without use to things that can not give what we think we need.
You will know [[love]] by your ability to [[give]] to others when they do not fulfill you. You will know love when it [[grows]] even when the other cannot give back. Love is a [[choice]], every moment, to [[giving]] and [[receiving]].
Requiring proof is in itself [[proof]] that we [[doubt]] that we are lovable. Needing someone to pass a check for their love for us means we have forgotten that we can be loved. This means we feel [[unloved]]. To make yourself feel loved, simply love others more. Holding on to our [[masks]] makes it hard to love. Letting go of our [[mask]]s gives us the [[strength]] to love harder. When you find yourself against anyone or anyone appears to be against you, ask not how to beat them but, "how can I show the most love in this [[place]]?"
When we get [[life]] from [[learning]] to make new ways to love in every place and time, we know that people would like loving us. So we [[love]] us more, and, seeing that we love us, others love us more.
Giving what we [[miss]] helps us miss whatever we miss less.
Letting [[love]] flow in us makes it easier for love to come through us, like lower [[ground]] in the path of a [[river]].
Coming away from [[fixation]], our love extends to all [[people]].
Allowing [[fixated]] thoughts without [[action]] is part of [[letting go]].
[[Conflict]] in a relationship provides an opportunity to glimpse each other’s [[shadow]]s, which allows us to move beyond our [[projections]] to loving each other.
To work on [[blocks]] together is to turn being against each other into choosing to be together again and again. Choosing to be [[together]] again and again is shown by our willingness to work on blocks together instead of avoiding blocks. This turns vast chasms into bridges.
Working on blocks together allows life that was spent [[against]] each other to be worked toward choosing to be [[together]] again and again and working on blocks with each other again and again. Being together needs this work, love needs this work.
If it’s not working, it needs [[work]]. Choosing not to work on a block is choosing not to [[relate]]. If a lot of work does not help something that is not working to work, then it can be [[let go]] .
If you are not hiding yourself you will be [[Seen]].
[[Agreeing]] to [[change]] for another and keeping that agreement is a good sign that a relationship will [[work]]. We do not [[work]] as single [[parts]] for [[control]] over the relationship- we work together for the liveliness of the relationship. The only way to get to this is to [[yield]] with [[humility]]. [[Fairness]] does not build a lively relationship, someone must [[give]] first. Always.
In great [[stories]], each point is lived. In soap operas, each point is breezed past.
To choose to be [[together]] again and again is also to choose to never make a choice without your lover.
When something feels [[good]] in every part of the body, it is a sign that some need is being filled.
Living with [[life]]: working on a [[block]] means [[saying]] what we are [[feeling]] and then acting with those feelings.
Assuming you can handle all of it is often a sign of a [[fear]] of asking your lover for [[help]].
Holding on to [[pain]] is an indication of an unresolved [[past]].
Living [[grief]] makes us feel [[alone]]. This is one of life’s hardest acts, so we try to move away from it by making past losses look like today’s [[pain]]s.
- To [[process]] an event, we consider its implications and the intents of everyone involved.
  1. Say what happened.
  2. How did you feel then? How do you feel now?
  3. What is left? What is left to be done?
An unwillingness to [[process]] an event and [[resolve]] issues may be a sign of [[despair]], of one or both parties giving up on the relationship.
[[Impact]] report: when you did X, I felt Y. Follow-up to impact: ‘what do you [[fear]]? What do you [[believe]] about me or this? What do you [[want]] from me right now?’
Every bit of [[energy]] spent on [[control]]ling others depletes us.
The most common hidden feeling in pair-bonds is [[sorrow]].
- I am [[sad]] when I perceive you doing X I hide my sadness by doing Y
Consider [[Tonglen]] practice with hands on your lover.
Close [[bonds]] are scary. We are [[scared]] because of what might happen if we love openly.
We often fluctuate between a [[need]] for [[connection]] and a [[fear]] of connection.
A fear of [[hugs]] may have arisen from too much [[attention]], appreciation, or affection given as a result of someone trying to fulfill their [[needs]] in a fixated way through you. You may address this by letting your spouse guide your love instead of controlling how you show it.
Often, there is a [[belief]] that if someone gets [[close]], they will eventually [[abandon]] us.
[[Fear]] tends to appear just when we are most ready for [[change]]. Consider [[giving]] [[parts]] a rousing ‘into the breach’ speech when you notice they are afraid of loving. When you notice you are fixating and holding on tight to something, it is like freezing before the jump or walking across a great height- you might need to reassure yourself of why you are doing this scary thing.
When [[fear]] is accepted, our [[pain]] becomes [[information]].
[[Abandonment]] is a necessary part of [[growth]] toward [[adulthood]].
[[Jealousy]] is a method of staving off [[grief]]. It gives us [[time]] to avoid facing [[feelings]] of [[rejection]] before we’re ready. It helps us see our [[vulnerability]], our delicate [[child]]-like parts, supple and [[soft]]. This can then be used to deflate our [[ego]]s.
[[Infidelity]] is always a block belonging to the pair, not the individual. The ‘[[other]]‘ person is typically used to create [[distance]] away from an already ailing relationship. If your partner [[cheats]] on you, it may show what you have trouble giving (such as [[play]]fulness). Infidelity often shows us what we lacked in the distant [[past]]. A need to retaliate shows us that some [[grief]] is being [[avoided]].
[[Projections]] can be moved from person to person quickly, as in serial [[monogamy]].
Only [[illusions]] are lost. That’s why they call it disillusionment.
The intense [[pain]] of disappointment in your leaders, institutions, traditions, value systems, and society is a gracious invitation to [[trust]] yourself and the humans in front of you. Thank their seeming [[failure]]s for an [[initiation]] toward [[adulthood]]. It is up to you to take [[care]] of yourself and (as well as to let yourself be taken care of by) the people around you.
Painful [[disappointment]] is a [[clue]] about where and who you are. And as we know, "the most important thing on the [[battlefield]] is knowing where you are".
[[Regret]]->shame, and [[shame]] makes it hard to face the pain of our disappointments, which makes it hard to grieve. Without [[grieving]], we’re stuck.
Someone [[empathizing]] ([[attention]]+[[acceptance]]) with your [[pain]] helps you process that pain.
If you feel [[love]] only because someone stays with you, you will feel [[abandonment]] when they leave.
1. Admit you [[fear]] abandonment or being smothered when appropriate.
2. Allow the fear. Feel it. Face it. Do not [[blame]] it. [[Allow]] all your feelings as they come and go. Cradle your fear without clinging to it.
3. Act as if you are [[fearless]]. If you’re afraid of being smothered, let them smother you a little. If you’re afraid of being abandoned, stay alone a little.
How do I avoid [[connection]] with my loved ones? How are my patterns of relating similar to my parental figures? Different?
Sometimes a reaction to [[abandonment]] is [[attachment]] to [[material]] goods, [[money]], or a [[career]].
Create a [[space]] that will let the [[child]] feel everything they feel.
Our fundamental [[needs]] don’t change, we simply hide the needs we have [[despair]]ed of ever filling.
Industrial society disrupted our old sources of [[connection]] and offered [[material]] goods in their place.
How can we meet this next situation in a way that brings us [[close]]r? How can I meet this situation while taking [[care]] of myself?
Every moment in a relationship ruthlessly attacks our [[ego]].
It is hard to [[give]] when we are holding on to [[control]].
With [[acceptance]], [[fear]] transforms into [[excitement]].
[[Weakness]] of existence as a small part made of smaller [[parts]] rather than a weakness of [[victimhood]].
- Fear->love Attachment->let go Control->give freedom Entitlement->recognize peerage
- Fear->risk assessment Attachment->commitment Control->getting shit done Entitlement-> self-conviction while knowing things may appear unfair
[[Trust]]ing yourself means surrendering to what is there, not that you will be able to avoid [[fear]], [[attachment]], [[control]], and entitlement but that you can work with those them.
- [[Victimhood]]: fear of [[accountability]]: ability to evoke [[love]] Chronic Following: fear of ownership: ability to cooperate Self-blaming: fear of responsibility: ability to assess self Unworthiness: fear of receiving: ability to know [[humility]] Unimportant (I don’t matter, I’m not special): fear of being loved: ability to [[prioritize]]
[[Victimhood]] changes by knowing [[power]]. Followers [[change]] by making choices and speaking up when [[frustrated]]. Self-blaming changes by taking [[responsibility]]. The unworthy or unimportant [[change]] by accepting appreciation.
[[Change]] requires treating the flipside of our thoughts as if they are true.
The key to [[growth]] is in what we [[fear]] most.
Mostly everyone fears [[growth]].
Let yourself take the [[losses]], give the [[wins]] to everyone else. We feel [[pain]] most when we are [[holding]] on to something that is ending- what we thought the connection was. What we tried to turn the [[connection]] into. What we thought the [[connection]] was while finding that it was not that.
The [[fear]] of never finding anyone who will want you helps you take the time to face the [[grief]] before finding someone else.
Confusing your own deities with your partner is a frequent occurrence.
What [[demands]] are you [[hiding]]?
What are we trying to communicate with our anger?
It is what it is. How do I step forward? Given that my spouse will not meet my want or need for X, how will I meet it?
My fears have a function. I am thankful to them for helping me pay attention to myself and the world around me.
How do you show [[commitment]] to your dyad every day?
[[Loss]] and neglect are there to be grieved. Once the [[grief]] is faced, they can be let go.
- If Doug wants to mend the relationship between his daughter Tabi and her cousin (who abused Tabi’s dog and living space), he will probably need to show his niece how to love by loving her harder. Tabi will not feel safe mending things unless there is incontestable proof that her cousin is committed to mending herself, and that won’t happen until someone shows her how to love herself.
Your path is best trod from what you were [[born]] with, not by the rules you [[create]].
Do I attend to loving?
Mourning, like [[love]], is an [[action]]. And so we must do it [[alone]].
[[Grief]] takes a long time because our minds are [[vast]] and [[deep]].
- 1. Remember or allow yourself to know a way your need or want was not met. A [[memory]] is not required, a feeling will do just as well.
  2. [[Share]] it with a witness.
  3. The hard part is to find what was felt in the [[body]], not the narrative we tell ourselves. Every grief is one of a kind because every [[body]] is one of a kind. Every [[narrative]] is an act of [[scale]]- there are many like it, and no narrative is one of a kind, so to rely on a narrative alone to grieve is to avoid grieving.
[[Memories]] change to serve your present [[purpose]]. This is a beautiful feature, not a bug.
[[Appreciation]] lends weight to [[acceptance]].
If she’s [[complaining]], you’re not [[fucking]] right or enough.
[[Love]] is imprinted. If you were first loved with gifts, you will feel love when you are given gifts.
How we choose to be [[present]] says more about what we are than what we say or do.
If they sense you’ve made them [[fixed]], static, a dead [[image]]- they will [[hide]] themselves and their needs from you. The same goes for yourself.
[[Intimacy]]: holding nothing back while giving ourselves to [[Now]]. The [[safe]]r you feel, the more intimate you can be.
No one else is [[responsible]] for your [[feelings]]. If you give your [[power]] to her, she will [[break]] you.
If you give your [[happiness]] to her, she will [[take]] it away. collapsed:: true
- All emotions come from expansion and contraction. [[Expansion]] has no [[obligation]]. [[Contraction]] is full of obligation. [[Expansion]] has no [[expectations]]. Contraction is full of expectations. Expansion assumes [[agency]]. Contraction cannot see agency. Expansion is [[ruthless]], Contraction has [[pity]]. Expansion takes [[responsibility]], Contraction avoids responsibility. Expansion creates [[opportunity]], Contraction[[block]] s opportunity. Expansion is [[unconditional]], Contraction imposes [[conditions]]. Expansion has no [[rules]], Contraction is full of [[rules]]. Expansion corrects from one data point, Contraction repeats the [[loops]]. Acting on Expansion=[[happiness]] Acting on Contraction=[[suffering]]
If I have to make a [[choice]] for you, I assume you’re not an [[agent]]. If you’re not an agent, I feel forced to [[control]] you.
Self-[[pity]] assumes you have no [[power]].
Most [[anger]], [[jealousy]], and [[sadness]] is built on [[fear]].
If am [[hurt]] by what you honestly are, I [[punish]] you for your [[honesty]]. So, you [[hide]] what you are by [[lying]] to me to avoid hurting me.
No one else can make you [[happy]].
You cannot [[change]] others. Either [[love]] them as they are or don’t. Dance or don’t [[dance]]. Do you want to dance?
If you can’t [[love]] her exactly as she is, she’s not for you. If she loves you, she will love you as you are.
To use [[love]] as a [[weapon]] of [[domestication]], one has to convince everyone that it’s [[scarce]].
We [[reject]] others for what we reject in ourselves, and reject ourselves for what others reject in themselves
[[Compliments]] only work to [[control]] when you secretly believe you do not have what you are complimented for.

If you feel [[love]] only because someone stays with you, you will feel [[abandonment]] when they leave.